On Depression

by Jimmie on July 9, 2012

Around Berlin

You may have noticed, but I’ve not really been on the internet much since last year. I haven’t updated my blog since last February, and have barely posted to twitter in the past 8 months. Many people have been worried about me and reached out. It has been appreciated. Long story short, I went through one of the longest periods of depression I’ve had in my adult life.

I’ve had extreme anxieties in coming back online and starting up my business again, but I’m finally getting around to poking my head up online, billing people, and generally getting kits back in stock. I had a friend doing order fulfillment for me, but I didn’t keep her in stock to do it, so orders have gone unfulfilled. This has caused me far more anguish than I can easily express in words.

To everyone I have let down, frustrated, or worried; I am extremely sorry.  Apologizing can’t really make it better, but know that I’m working hard every day to get things back on track. It’s slow work going through the better part of a year’s worth of stuff.

If you have ordered something from me, you will get it. Not only will you get the kits you ordered, but something extra for it. If you cancelled your order and were generally frustrated about my lack of communication, then I am sorry. I will send you something as well. I know I’ve caused a ton of frustrations by simply not communicating. It’s a ton of work climbing out of this hole I’ve dug, but I’m working on it. I’m sorry if it takes a while to get everything done, but I’m working on it. I’ve even got help.

That’s it for the short answer. I was depressed, stopped doing anything, and stopped communicating. Everyone will get what they paid for. I’m not here to rip anyone off. If you would like to hear the longer version, then I’m willing to share. I plan on posting a few additional blog posts to share my experience with depression and failure. I will also be speaking at HOPE 9 about it on the Geeks and Depression panel.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Stephan Urbach July 9, 2012 at 11:01

Hey Jimmi,

I just want to say thank you for these words.

Yours
tomate

2 fin July 9, 2012 at 13:02

Jimmie,

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve gone through this.
I’m glad you’re slowly doing better. I’ll be in Berlin mid-August and late-October; if you’re back by then I’d love to meet up.

-f

3 Steve Anderson July 9, 2012 at 13:08

Hi Jimmie

Glad you’re recovering. I’ve been suffering from depression for longer than I could tell you – 15 years since diagnosis, but several periods prior to that where I assumed I was just being moody. It’s absolute hell through every fibre of my body – I’m only here now thanks to friends, family, and a variety of prescriptions that have provided the crutches whilst I let my brain reboot itself.

I suspect geeks are slightly more likely to suffer from depression due to their technical/analytical nature getting turned in on themselves – I know that’s certainly the case for me, I’ve analysed and reanalysed things I’ve done, things I’ve not done, situations that have passed, things like that. Feels like my debug code takes up all the CPU cycles resulting in nothing being left for me to live life with, if we’re going to stick to geek-friendly analogies.

I could witter on for ages about it but won’t. Just glad to see you’ve emerged from your shelter.

4 Dash Par July 9, 2012 at 14:42

It can’t rain all the time.

5 Daniel Armstrong July 9, 2012 at 16:14

Hi Jimmie … Sounds like you are on your way to a better place. Good! Get well friend.

Last year at Penguicon you were a big help to a electronics ‘n soldering newbie like me. Thanks!

6 William July 9, 2012 at 16:27

Hey Jimmie,

We don’t mind if you take some time off and deal with your inner deamons. As long as you keep popping back up once in a while. You know that if you need friends to stay at for a couple of weeks or months, you are always welcome hang out at our place and there are many like us all around the world that will welcome you. Keep traveling and change scenery to clear your mind.

7 Chris B. Behrens July 9, 2012 at 18:44

From one sufferer to another – you’ve got to understand that these are emotional hallucinations. In the same sense that people might hear or see something that isn’t there, we tend to feel things that aren’t “real”, insofar as they are rational reactions to the outside world.

Just like with schizophrenics, realizing that something isn’t real doesn’t make it go away, but it does help you with strategies for dealing with it. So try to keep that in mind, and remember that in addition to the blog being a bunch of people with expectations you feel weight to satisfy, also remember that some of us are out here praying for you, and understanding what you’re going through.

Things will get better – it’s simple and true.

8 Shaun Watson July 9, 2012 at 21:56

Hey Jim,

Hope you’re feeling better. Drop a line & we can chat. Same number, as usual…or use the e-mail.

-swatson

9 Omar July 13, 2012 at 02:55

hey jimmy,

ive missed your blog posts quite a bit, you were my inspiration to become a hacker and a modder.. you were an inspiration not only to me but to a lot of people as well! your kits really changed my life as far as finding the job i love! you shouldnt be depressed! you made a difference in the world by being a genius inventor! keep doing what you love doing!! (ripping things appart and hacking the crap out of them!) thanks dude!

Omar

10 anonymous July 27, 2012 at 15:55

I’m listening to the audio from the geeks & depression panel as I type here. I wanna let you know that I am a hacker, depressed, and have been socially withdrawn for several years. I want to thank you and the others on the panel for your encouraging words. In the least I feel a little less f’ed up for the way I feel.

11 Brian Doom November 2, 2012 at 21:11

Jimmie;

No matter how much time you take to get back to your blog, it’s okay. You have already made a great contribution and you aren’t obligated to anyone.

That said, I look forward to more postings. I’ve learned a lot from your site. I don’t know much about you but you are awesome.

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